Brown to Green, Dead to Alive

A year ago today

I checked myself into a mental hospital

A year ago today

I no longer wanted to be on this planet

I felt I could no longer bear it

. . . could no longer tolerate my own existence

As I told the intake worker

I was a dry, dead leaf 

that crumbles in your hand

and 

falls away

Empty, dead, lifeless.

It really fell apart for me

when I realized (i.e. decided to believe)

 I was unable to give to others

I had nothing to offer anyone

and actually seemed to make things worse

with my presence

What a difference a year makes!

The dead leaf is now alive, green and growing

The darkness and death within me

are now bright, big open spaces, beautiful life!

Joy.  Meaning.  Love.  Peace.

Are now mine.

To any who say miracles don't happen

They do!

To those of you who told me again and again

that people never change

Yes, they can,

and do!

Perhaps, it's a matter of semantics

The whole change issue.

My husband and I are both becoming more and more

our true selves

We are ridding ourselves of the encumbrances;

the lies that held us captive

to death giving habits of thought;

of never ending cycles of hurt and resentment.

As we've let go of the fear

we've discovered we actually like each other!

And are very much in love.

What?!

There seemed no hint

to indicate this as a possible scenario

For a very long time

Fear blocks love

Damage and betrayal -

Hopes dashed again and again . . . 

result in walls

and a tendency to hide.

The more you focus on becoming

a healthy happy adult human,

and give freedom and kindness

to those you love

Change will happen.

Only try to change self 

(along the way learning to love yourself)

And allow others to be whoever they are;

(allowing yourself to be whoever you are)

Give them space to decide who they want to be.

You will both become free-er.

Happier.

Kinder.

Etc.

Day after day

I am happy!

A strange, new reality.

It's real

It is deep.

I continue to explore and strengthen 

understanding and love

of my deeper, heart self

I continue to rest in the arms of Eternity

Delving into Mystery

Swimming in Love

Trusting.

Trusting that the Universe is good.

Believing, even when I see a whole lot of bad

Knowing that we each carry that seed of love and goodness

deep within

The memory of our true, beautiful selves.

Believing that with desire

and much patience!

We will draw closer and closer to that heart.

The seed will emerge and grow

Dead doesn't always really mean dead.

I am green and growing

It took a long time to get here

All that time was part of my process

It takes what it takes

Much of the ride

was hell,

but now I have a piece of heaven.

As I said in my last post;

Don't quit before the miracle happens!

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Don't Quit Before the Miracle Happens

You reached inside the darkness of my mind... 

and groped around until your love could find... 

A strand of hope uncovered... 

Light to find my way... 

and so, now..... 

I will die another day.

Robert Rutherford

We look at light and don't see it

We see love . . .

and deny it

Fear . . . anger . . .

memories

of past betrayals

Define our reality

Human eyes

Betray us

When all is dark

to your human self

Close those eyes

and peer within

The eyes of spirit

see clear and true

The light burns warm and bright

Waiting for you

It IS you

When you cannot see through the inner darkness

Look for the light in others

Someone near you vibrates with energy

Someone near you has drawn nearer to

The warmth that is love within

The light in me

reaches out 

to the light in you

My spark 

brightens as it 

senses and loves yours

We are all one

Joined by love

Seen or not seen

Sensed or not

We are joined by our humanity

We are joined by love

which flows

Through and around

All

To live another day

is to be open to the possibility 

of seeing the light

 of being touched by love

Don't quit before the miracle happens

/http://home.comcast.net/~fractalsbykeith/

Robert Rutherford

To Be Known

Ultimately, I am all I can know
No one can step into my skin
And truly know me
Nor I, them

We filter what we see and hear
 Through our personal paradigms
We project our thoughts and feelings
Onto others.

My skin contains
Or maintains
That which is me

Energy flowing
To, through, from  . . .
Me

Within the womb
I began experiencing my unique life
Within myself
I am always
Alone
In perceptions of reality

My closest relationship is with self
I know more of my mind and feelings
Than I can know of Spirit who lives in me
Though Love knows me completely
I can never know Love as intimately

So . . .

My spirit joins with Spirit
and picks up bits and pieces
My soul longs to know Love better
 I am too tightly bound to this earth
The flesh and bone being that I am
Senses earthly things

More easily than spiritual

There is a barrier of flesh
A barrier of rocks and dirt and trees and water . . .
of thoughts and beliefs . . . feelings and happenings . . .
Through which Spirit flows
Like a haze of smoke

Seen, and yet . . .
Barriers remain

Deflections

Reflections

Shadows

I must learn myself
I must learn who I am
Who I was created to be
Look for pieces of God in me

Clear my vision

and being

of "not Love"

We are all alone
Known by One we cannot truly know
Everyone believes their best guess
At what's true and real

I know what love is

Love and I

Know each other

I want my spirit to touch the sky
I want to feel and know
My connection to Love
I am too heavy on this earth
Too bound

Like a beautiful ribbon
Twirling as it rises
(or deeper dives)
Joining the flow of Life
My spirit would fly

To the center, yes.
Down to the Center

The Heart
The Source
 Allowing Life to flow into me

I am alone
My energy flows to others
Theirs to me
All one
All alone

I walk my beautiful path
Different from all others
And trust . . .

I trust in the Spirit I sense
In the wisdom that speaks
So quietly I often doubt its reality

My deepest self knows
My deepest self knows I am not truly alone
Alone as a human being

Yes
Alone as spirit
 No.

   

The Watcher

I am reminded today to be the watcher

Who, within me, observes my emotions, thoughts and actions?

My deeper eternal self;

Not bound to this temporal plane

When I remember to step back from my reactive self

And observe

I am no longer controlled by what I call my soul self

I am not bound by interpretations and meanings given to events

Which may or may not be accurate

There is freedom here.

I can notice what “truths” I’m telling myself

What is my personal narrative?

When my inner critic speaks

Do I meekly accept the condemnation

Or do I speak a greater truth to my self?

How do I allow my emotions to flow through me?

I can choose. 

I can listen to Love

And choose paths of hope, beauty, gratitude, acceptance . . .

Love heals

Love looks for the good

Love is gentle and patient:

With self and others . . .

let’s go of all that does not bring life

We become that on which we focus

What we feed, will flourish

(hey, I'd like to flourish!)

Step back

Inhale the breath of Love

Choose to allow goodness and life

To flow through you

And they will increase

The watcher can always smile

My spirit is always free

and from eternity

can speak blessing and peace 

to my earthly self

Addendum
Naturally, today has provided opportunity
To put these concepts into practice!
When one's body and mind
are overwhelmed by anxiety
It's not always a simple matter to take that step back!


So, I resort to one of my mantras which is:
"Don't be anxious about being anxious"
Also, "This too, shall pass . . . "
And "This is really an adventure!  Who knows what's around the bend!"


And sometimes it's okay to take one of those
anti-anxiety medications I was prescribed!


Progress not perfection.

http://www.enchgallery.com

http://home.comcast.net/~fractalsbykeith/

Inspired by words from Stephen Van Kuiken; www.RinconUCC.org

We Choose Which is Real

It's like love is the reality,

but there is the dream of fear.

Kinda like parallel universes.

As we begin to awaken from the dream of fear

and begin to see love,

it's like we can fly.

Nothing is impossible.

Christina Gonzalez Daharry 

Which is real?

Which is the illusion?

When I was hooked on drugs and/or alcohol . . .

When I’ve looked to other things (or people) as a means of escape

From fear or pain . . .
Often, what appeared attractive and enticing
Was only a beautiful shimmery veil

Obscuring what would ultimately bring death and darkness

Drugs were my golden little secret

Sweet . . . delectable

Offering the taste of a better reality

Filled with sparkles and color

Warmth
 and a forgetful mind

Sometimes I was aware of the flimsy veil

Hiding what was true

Most times I chose not to.

Preferring the lie

We look to our eyes, minds and feelings

For understanding and truth
Sometimes, we're shown the dark veil of fear
Covering what is good and true

The Real is known best by the

Innermost part of us.

Beyond words

In the place of deep knowing

When I listen carefully to that voice within

When I encourage my eyes to look past

The illusions of fear

and the pretty lies

I see that Love is the heart of all

Love is the center

The essence

The foundation

Of what is . . .

We choose

In the span of an hour or two

I can transition from deep despair and fear

To singing at the top of my lungs for joy

My focus jumps back and forth

Between dream and real

Between the concrete world and the spiritual plane . . .

We needn’t focus on the veils;
glittery distractions or fears that absorb hope

We need only live here

In the golden light

Of Love
The lies and fears are only shadows
Appearing (and feeling) real
Love is always present
Always real

Much of the time

I don’t live what I've just written

Frequently, I run to that enticing shiny bauble or veil

I am learning to stay

To trust

To know

That Love’s hand is working

Within me

My deepest self knows

Is overjoyed

And more and more often

Joy overflows to the rest of me

In conclusion, I’ll share a few words from the Moody Blues

(not in exact order)

Cold hearted orb

That rules the night

Removes the colours

From our sight

Red is gray and

Yellow white

But we decide

Which is right

and

Which is an Illusion

And I love you, yes I love you,

Oh how I love you, oh how I love you.

The universe sings to you

Love, who made all, sings to you

I love you, yes I love you

Remember, you can double click on pictures!


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