Brown to Green, Dead to Alive

A year ago today

I checked myself into a mental hospital

A year ago today

I no longer wanted to be on this planet

I felt I could no longer bear it

. . . could no longer tolerate my own existence

As I told the intake worker

I was a dry, dead leaf 

that crumbles in your hand

and 

falls away

Empty, dead, lifeless.

It really fell apart for me

when I realized (i.e. decided to believe)

 I was unable to give to others

I had nothing to offer anyone

and actually seemed to make things worse

with my presence

What a difference a year makes!

The dead leaf is now alive, green and growing

The darkness and death within me

are now bright, big open spaces, beautiful life!

Joy.  Meaning.  Love.  Peace.

Are now mine.

To any who say miracles don't happen

They do!

To those of you who told me again and again

that people never change

Apparently, not so!

Fear blocks love

Damage and betrayal -

Hopes dashed again and again . . . 

result in walls

and a tendency to hide.

The more one focuses on becoming

a healthy happy adult human,

and giving freedom and kindness

to those you love

Change will happen.

Only try to change self 

(along the way learning to love yourself)

And allow others to be whoever they are;

(allowing yourself to be whoever you are)

Give them space to decide who they want to be.

You will both become free-er.

Happier.

Kinder.

Etc.

Day after day

I am happy!

A strange, new reality.

It's real

It is deep.

I continue to explore and strengthen 

understanding and love

of my deeper, heart self

I continue to rest in the arms of Eternity

Delving into Mystery

Swimming in Love

Trusting.

Trusting that the Universe is good.

Believing, even when I see a whole lot of bad

Knowing that we each carry that seed of love and goodness

deep within

The memory of our true, beautiful selves.

Believing that with desire

and much patience!

We will draw closer and closer to that heart.

The seed will emerge and grow

Dead doesn't always really mean dead.

I am green and growing

It took a long time to get here

All that time was part of my process

It takes what it takes

Much of the ride

was hell,

but now I have a piece of heaven.

As I said in my last post;

Don't quit before the miracle happens!

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