Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Brown to Green, Dead to Alive



A year ago today
I checked myself into a mental hospital
A year ago today
I no longer wanted to be on this planet
I felt I could no longer bear it
. . . could no longer tolerate my own existence

As I told the intake worker
I was a dry, dead leaf 
that crumbles in your hand
and 
falls away
Empty, dead, lifeless.

It really fell apart for me
when I realized (i.e. decided to believe)
 I was unable to give to others
I had nothing to offer anyone
and actually seemed to make things worse
with my presence

What a difference a year makes!

The dead leaf is now alive, green and growing
The darkness and death within me
are now bright, big open spaces, beautiful life!
Joy.  Meaning.  Love.  Peace.
Are now mine.


To any who say miracles don't happen
They do!
To those of you who told me again and again
that people never change
Yes, they can,
and do!

Perhaps, it's a matter of semantics
The whole change issue.
My husband and I are both becoming more and more
our true selves

We are ridding ourselves of the encumbrances;
the lies that held us captive
to death giving habits of thought;
of never ending cycles of hurt and resentment.

As we've let go of the fear
we've discovered we actually like each other!
And are very much in love.
What?!
There seemed no hint
to indicate this as a possible scenario
For a very long time

Fear blocks love
Damage and betrayal -
Hopes dashed again and again . . . 
result in walls
and a tendency to hide.

The more you focus on becoming
a healthy happy adult human,
and give freedom and kindness
to those you love
Change will happen.

Only try to change self 
(along the way learning to love yourself)
And allow others to be whoever they are;
(allowing yourself to be whoever you are)
Give them space to decide who they want to be.
You will both become free-er.
Happier.
Kinder.
Etc.

Day after day
I am happy!
A strange, new reality.
It's real
It is deep.

I continue to explore and strengthen 
understanding and love
of my deeper, heart self

I continue to rest in the arms of Eternity
Delving into Mystery
Swimming in Love
Trusting.
Trusting that the Universe is good.
Believing, even when I see a whole lot of bad

Knowing that we each carry that seed of love and goodness
deep within
The memory of our true, beautiful selves.
Believing that with desire
and much patience!
We will draw closer and closer to that heart.
The seed will emerge and grow

Dead doesn't always really mean dead.

I am green and growing
It took a long time to get here
All that time was part of my process
It takes what it takes

Much of the ride
was hell,
but now I have a piece of heaven.

As I said in my last post;
Don't quit before the miracle happens!


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Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Don't Quit Before the Miracle Happens


You reached inside the darkness of my mind... 
and groped around until your love could find... 
A strand of hope uncovered... 
Light to find my way... 
and so, now..... 
I will die another day.
Robert Rutherford


We look at light and don't see it
We see love . . .
and deny it
Fear . . . anger . . .
memories
of past betrayals
Define our reality

Human eyes
Betray us

When all is dark
to your human self
Close those eyes
and peer within

The eyes of spirit
see clear and true

The light burns warm and bright
Waiting for you

It IS you

When you cannot see through the inner darkness
Look for the light in others
Someone near you vibrates with energy
Someone near you has drawn nearer to
The warmth that is love within

The light in me
reaches out 
to the light in you

My spark 
brightens as it 
senses and loves yours

We are all one
Joined by love
Seen or not seen
Sensed or not
We are joined by our humanity
We are joined by love
which flows
Through and around
All

To live another day

is to be open to the possibility 
of seeing the light
 of being touched by love

Don't quit before the miracle happens







Friday, September 23, 2011

To Be Known


Ultimately, I am all I can know
No one can step into my skin
And truly know me
Nor I, them

We filter what we see and hear
 Through our personal paradigms
We project our thoughts and feelings
Onto others.

My skin contains
Or maintains
That which is me

Energy flowing
To, through, from  . . .
Me

Within the womb
I began experiencing my unique life
Within myself

I am always
Alone
In perceptions of reality

My closest relationship is with self
I know more of my mind and feelings
Than I can know of Spirit who lives in me
Though Love knows me completely
I can never know Love as intimately

So . . .

My spirit joins with Spirit
and picks up bits and pieces
My soul longs to know Love better
 I am too tightly bound to this earth
The flesh and bone being that I am
Senses earthly things
More easily than spiritual

There is a barrier of flesh
A barrier of rocks and dirt and trees and water . . .
of thoughts and beliefs . . . feelings and happenings . . .
Through which Spirit flows
Like a haze of smoke
Seen, and yet . . .
Barriers remain
Deflections
Reflections
Shadows

I must learn myself
I must learn who I am
Who I was created to be
Look for pieces of God in me
Clear my vision
and being
of "not Love"

We are all alone
Known by One we cannot truly know
Everyone believes their best guess
At what's true and real

I know what love is
Love and I
Know each other

I want my spirit to touch the sky
I want to feel and know
My connection to Love
I am too heavy on this earth
Too bound

Like a beautiful ribbon
Twirling as it rises
(or deeper dives)
Joining the flow of Life
My spirit would fly

To the center, yes.
Down to the Center
The Heart
The Source
 Allowing Life to flow into me

I am alone
My energy flows to others
Theirs to me
All one
All alone

I walk my beautiful path
Different from all others
And trust . . .

I trust in the Spirit I sense
In the wisdom that speaks
So quietly I often doubt its reality

My deepest self knows
My deepest self knows I am not truly alone
Alone as a human being
Yes
Alone as spirit
 No.

   



Monday, August 29, 2011

The Watcher

I am reminded today to be the watcher
Who, within me, observes my emotions, thoughts and actions?
My deeper eternal self;
Not bound to this temporal plane

When I remember to step back from my reactive self
And observe
I am no longer controlled by what I call my soul self
I am not bound by interpretations and meanings given to events
Which may or may not be accurate

There is freedom here.
I can notice what “truths” I’m telling myself
What is my personal narrative?
When my inner critic speaks
Do I meekly accept the condemnation
Or do I speak a greater truth to my self?

How do I allow my emotions to flow through me?
I can choose. 
I can listen to Love
And choose paths of hope, beauty, gratitude, acceptance . . .

Love heals
Love looks for the good
Love is gentle and patient:
With self and others . . .
let’s go of all that does not bring life

We become that on which we focus
What we feed, will flourish
(hey, I'd like to flourish!)

Step back
Inhale the breath of Love
Choose to allow goodness and life
To flow through you
And they will increase

The watcher can always smile
My spirit is always free
and from eternity
can speak blessing and peace 
to my earthly self

Addendum
Naturally, today has provided opportunity
To put these concepts into practice!
When one's body and mind
are overwhelmed by anxiety
It's not always a simple matter to take that step back!


So, I resort to one of my mantras which is:
"Don't be anxious about being anxious"
Also, "This too, shall pass . . . "
And "This is really an adventure!  Who knows what's around the bend!"


And sometimes it's okay to take one of those
anti-anxiety medications I was prescribed!


Progress not perfection.


Inspired by words from Stephen Van Kuiken; www.RinconUCC.org

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

We Choose Which is Real


It's like love is the reality,
but there is the dream of fear.
Kinda like parallel universes.
As we begin to awaken from the dream of fear
and begin to see love,
it's like we can fly.
Nothing is impossible.

Christina Gonzalez Daharry 


Which is real?
Which is the illusion?

When I was hooked on drugs and/or alcohol . . .
When I’ve looked to other things (or people) as a means of escape
From fear or pain . . .
Often, what appeared attractive and enticing
Was only a beautiful shimmery veil
Obscuring what would ultimately bring death and darkness


My drugs were my golden little secret
Sweet . . . delectable
Offering the taste of a better reality
Filled with sparkles and color
Warmth
 and a forgetful mind

Sometimes I was aware of the flimsy veil
Hiding what was true
Most times I chose not to
Preferring the lie

We look to our eyes, minds and feelings
For understanding and truth
Sometimes, we're shown the dark veil of fear
Covering what is good and true

The Real is known best by the
Innermost part of us.
Beyond words
In the place of deep knowing

When I listen carefully to that voice within
When I encourage my eyes to look past
The illusions of fear
and the pretty lies

I see that Love is the heart of all
Love is the center
The essence
The foundation
Of what is . . .

We choose

In the span of an hour or two
I can transition from deep despair and fear
To singing at the top of my lungs for joy

My focus jumps back and forth
Between dream and real
Between the concrete world and the spiritual plane . . .

We needn’t focus on the veils;
glittery distractions or fears that absorb hope
We need only live here
In the golden light
Of Love
The lies and fears are only shadows
Appearing (and feeling) real
Love is always present
Always real

Much of the time
I don’t live what I've just written
Frequently, I run to that enticing shiny bauble or veil

I am learning to stay
To trust
To know
That Love’s hand is working
Within me
My deepest self knows
Is overjoyed
And more and more often
Joy overflows to the rest of me

In conclusion, I’ll share a few words from the Moody Blues
(not in exact order)

Cold hearted orb
That rules the night
Removes the colours
From our sight
Red is gray and
Yellow white
But we decide
Which is right

and

Which is an Illusion

And I love you, yes I love you,
Oh how I love you, oh how I love you.

The universe sings to you
Love, who made all, sings to you
I love you, yes I love you



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