Saturday, June 2, 2012

I Am

The words "I am"
Are powerful.

When God said, 
"I am that I am"*
He declared his transcendence 
Of human definition
Any other word placed after "I am"
Would simply describe one aspect
Of who and what God is

Our attempts to comprehend, 
Define or  categorize 
The infinite and unknowable
Inevitably create a smaller god.

The more we're able to live in the mystery
The closer we are to the heart of what is
(was I made in the image of "I Am"?)

Personal, foundational beliefs
Create space and structure 
Within which our souls
Can safely learn and grow

Addiction to the constructs created
Can blind us to new, deeper understandings
Of Love . . . Spirit . . . Source

The more loosely held 
These manmade paradigms,
The more clearly 
Love's voice is heard 

The words "I am"
Are powerful.

When I say
"I am sad"
"I am afraid"
I create an image of self
Transforming illusion
Into my reality

I am infinite and unknowable
Aspects of who I am
Can be observed, sensed and "understood"
All labels and descriptions
Ultimately diminish
Understanding of the 
Eternal being that I am

I am not sad
I am feeling sad
I am not anxious
I am experiencing anxiety
These feelings do not define me;
Cannot limit me,
Unless I choose to climb into the box
Where feelings = truth

Living within the reality of 
Fear and self-loathing
Traps me in delusion
Negates the truth that 
I am a beautiful, eternal being

A dear friend once said,
"Jesus can't heal what you won't feel."
I find truth in this
I cannot be healed of what I don't see;
Of what I won't acknowledge or feel . . .
Own . . . confess

"Negative" feelings reveal aspects of self
Which need healing; forgiveness.

No need to judge or label
Feelings or thoughts as 
"Good" or "Bad"

Pain, fear, anger, etc.
Are gifts.
of lies believed
Love's promises forgotten

I needn't be anxious about feeling anxious
Needn't despair that I feel despair
No need to create a false identity
Based on emotion

I am

Love is my Source
The seed of me
All else is a dream
Attempts by my fearful, temporal self
To contain and control

Watch and know
You are . . . 
You are precious and perfect**
You might not know it yet

You will . . . 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Shift Happens

Step with me
Into a magic place
Which exists
Right here
Right now
Where I've always been

In this place
All is well
In this place
I know 

Tears of delight
Ready to flow
At the sight of yet
Another miracle
Another evidence
Of Love's touch
I see the miracle of our sons
Such precious and beautiful souls
Their words and thoughts are music
They speak love and kindness
Precious gems, they are
Love's grace has carried and nurtured them
"In spite of " our many failings as parents
Glory, glory
Shift Happened 
In them
and in us
I live in the miracle
Of a marriage which regularly felt
 like a taste of hell
Two people lost inside themselves
Hopeless and resentful

Transformed into hopes realized
Lost dreams awakened
Knowing we are just beginning
Love's adventure together
Three years ago
I knew it was all over
I knew our together life was dead
Shift Happened
How many years have I spent
"needing" to be thin?
At the first sign of weight gain
Or loss of muscle
Self loathing has been my companion
I have starved myself
Or punished myself
By overeating
I've taken pride in the ability
To starve my Self

Disease comes in many forms
I was a beautiful, pitiful picture
Of suffering
Loved ones expressed concern
Tried to save me from wasting away
Yes, yes
Notice and suffer with this tragic figure
Which is me

But, now!
I look in the mirror
I see me!
Aspects that I would have considered ugly before;
Shameful and needing to be hidden
Are simply

It's not my mind that is different
It is my very essence
There's less judgment
No standard of "perfection"
Against which to measure

Do you understand the miracle of this?
Since puberty
My body has represented
A major component - indicator
Of value
(I wonder if there are many women in our culture who cannot relate)
Shift Happened
I don't feel like I'm even in the same universe anymore
I know something now
My soul understands something now
Truth that resided in the intellect
Has become life
Seeds planted
Have become fragrant blossoms
I could not hurry the rose
Could not force the process

This is much more than a lesson regarding body image
It cuts deep to the core of who I've been
Dependent on external factors
Looking outside myself
For life and love

Intellectual understanding has been translated
Into the wordless language
Of the soul

From where does this magic come?
I spoke words to Love
I prayed to know that "God is enough"
Love is enough
I ask to be purified of all 
That is not love

These are the seeds
They are choices to receive
Whatever is needed
To bring about these realities

Alone, I am powerless
To accomplish any of this
When my spirit agrees with Spirit
Transformation is welcomed
Suffering embraced
As the pathway to my desires

This is what seems true to me
True transformation does not happen 
In my conscious mind
I give words to my desires
And know that Love hears:
Know that miracles are happening
In a place beyond words
I listened to Mad World, by Gary Jules, today
Tears of deep gratitude and bliss
Flow as I listen *

I lived in this place
For many years
(and expect I'll regularly revisit, in the years to come)
Here is the darkness
Which reveals the light
Here is the suffering
That pierces and cracks the soul **

Oh, precious friend
Read the words
Listen to the songs

"There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
Forget your perfect offering
Every heart, every heart
To love will come"

(Leonard Cohen - Anthem**)

Bliss is here
Joy so sweet
It hurts

Plant your seeds
Speak your dreams
Remember that life starts in darkness 
The protective darkness of the womb
The hidden seed within rich soil
Pressure and pain
Give birth to life

Hope, trust, know
Your darkness is not wasted
You do not see what happens in the dark
It happens, just the same
Your fractured heart
Your pierced soul
Are birth pangs
Opening the way
For life and love
To shine
And transform

Shift Happens!

* Mad World - Gary Jules
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad world, world
Enlarge your world
Mad world

The birds they sang
At the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don't dwell on what
Has passed away
Or what is yet to be.
Ah the wars they will
Be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
Bought and sold
And bought again
The dove is never free.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

We asked for signs
The signs were sent
The birth betrayed
The marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
Of every government
Signs for all to see.

I can't run no more
With that lawless crowd
While the killers in high places
Say their prayers out loud.
But they've summoned, they've summoned up
A thundercloud
And they're going to hear from me.

Ring the bells that still can ring

You can add up the parts
But you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march,
There is no drum
Every heart, every heart
To love will come
But like a refugee.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
That's how the light gets in.
"Anthem" as written by Leonard Cohen
Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

On Being Special

I want to know that I am known
Valuable and valued

Foundational meanings of special are:
 "to receive unusual treatment"
"to be distinctive and unique"
(unless you are the in quotation marks, "special")

Do I need to be loved more than others
in order to feel good about myself?
Do I need to judge others as less
and myself as more
in order to feel valuable?

Why, the desire for attention?
Why sometimes an insecurity and/or jealousy
when someone else
is noticed and acknowledged
for having a gift or ability
When I am not?

"Don't forget about me"
"Remember I'm special and lovable, too"

We start as children
"Mommy, look at me, look at me!"
"Watch me now, watch me now!"
Seeking special notice;
Wanting to know we are noticed

And, if we are loved by our parents
we rightly receive this
Love notices and delights
in the beloved

Children look outside of self
To learn who they are

A healthy, mature adult
Will have learned to love and value self
Irrespective of attitudes and 
behaviors of others

I certainly don't want another 
to be loved less
So that I can be loved more
Yet, at times,
My emotional responses
Seem to indicate just that

Is it either or?
Is there a limited supply
of love and attention
value and respect?

The smaller answer is "yes"
People tend to notice the ones at the top
or the ones at the bottom
Whoever is more easily noticed
Whoever stands out from the crowd

The bigger answer is "No".
Our Source is Love
Limitless love

This Divine light
The seed of who we are
Lives within each of us
Connecting us to the eternal
Never ending flow
Of the life and love we desire

Awareness and connection
A heart to receive
and trust
Are keys to being filled 
To overflowing
With knowledge of value
With the confidence of 
The beloved

It is a knowledge
Not easily attained
But, worth any price
True life is here

When I rest in Love
When love flows from me
To others
All is good
All is beautiful
I see and delight
In everyone as beautiful and beloved.

This is the beginning of a conversation; 
a journey through the layers of finding value and beauty within Self

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Open Spaces

I move 
From black and white
To color
From rigid
To flowing free

From close boundaries
To limitless possibilities

I delight in mystery
An open, spacious sky
Welcomes my eager gaze

There's magic


Sadness still visits
Muffled, dark whispers,
Heaviness in my chest 
Alone with self
I sit

Now I know
There is no threat
Dark fog is just that.

Memories, habits
Transient shadows
Apparently thick
Yet without substance
The solid
Beautiful, true
What is

I observe
And acknowledge
My soul's suffering.
I embrace and love
All that is me

As I walk this rich and beautiful road
Whose end is known

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Matrix Within

I am not my body
I am not what I do
I am not what I feel
I am passenger
and pilot
Of this physical frame

In the Chronicles of Amber*
The story is told of a 
Superhuman royal family whose members can wander
 among infinite parallel worlds 
called "shadows"
They achieve this ability by walking "The Pattern",
a labyrinth, 
which is the foundation and source 
of their true world

This pattern;
What I think of as a matrix,
Is internalized
All life and reality 
Flow from this
foundational structure
Their "Source matrix":

Anything not following this exact pattern
Is but a shadow
Of what is true

To return from Shadow 
to Reality
One must focus on the pattern
Drawing closer
Going deeper
Into the heart 
of the source

Our source matrix
is Love
Everything not love
Is shadow

Life and energy flow from within
Shining outward, past and through
the external paradigms
Coverings . . . constructs . . . molds

They are illusion.

Pain does not define me
Fear cannot confine me
Weakness is a deception

I am not my body
I am not what I do
I am not what I feel

Though I can feel what I am

My Source is Love
I am love
My Source is strength and beauty
I am strength and beauty 
Though I cannot always see
My beautiful, strong self

I focus on the matrix of Love
I draw closer
Settle ever deeper
Into I Am

I notice pain
I notice my weakness and fear
Sadness and uncertainty

They are tissue paper coverings
Experienced as solid
Confining and obscuring

Focus on Source
Live within Love


This will all fall away
Pain will be forgotten
All shadows turned to ash

Joy comes in the morning