Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Brown to Green, Dead to Alive
A year ago today
I checked myself into a mental hospital
A year ago today
I no longer wanted to be on this planet
I felt I could no longer bear it
. . . could no longer tolerate my own existence
As I told the intake worker
I was a dry, dead leaf
that crumbles in your hand
Empty, dead, lifeless.
It really fell apart for me
when I realized (i.e. decided to believe)
I was unable to give to others
I had nothing to offer anyone
and actually seemed to make things worse
with my presence
What a difference a year makes!
The dead leaf is now alive, green and growing
The darkness and death within me
are now bright, big open spaces, beautiful life!
Joy. Meaning. Love. Peace.
Are now mine.
To any who say miracles don't happen
To those of you who told me again and again
that people never change
Yes, they can,
Perhaps, it's a matter of semantics
The whole change issue.
My husband and I are both becoming more and more
our true selves
We are ridding ourselves of the encumbrances;
the lies that held us captive
to death giving habits of thought;
of never ending cycles of hurt and resentment.
As we've let go of the fear
we've discovered we actually like each other!
And are very much in love.
There seemed no hint
to indicate this as a possible scenario
For a very long time
Fear blocks love
Damage and betrayal -
Hopes dashed again and again . . .
result in walls
and a tendency to hide.
The more you focus on becoming
a healthy happy adult human,
and give freedom and kindness
to those you love
Change will happen.
Only try to change self
(along the way learning to love yourself)
And allow others to be whoever they are;
(allowing yourself to be whoever you are)
Give them space to decide who they want to be.
You will both become free-er.
Day after day
I am happy!
A strange, new reality.
It is deep.
I continue to explore and strengthen
understanding and love
of my deeper, heart self
I continue to rest in the arms of Eternity
Delving into Mystery
Swimming in Love
Trusting that the Universe is good.
Believing, even when I see a whole lot of bad
Knowing that we each carry that seed of love and goodness
The memory of our true, beautiful selves.
Believing that with desire
and much patience!
We will draw closer and closer to that heart.
The seed will emerge and grow
Dead doesn't always really mean dead.
I am green and growing
It took a long time to get here
All that time was part of my process
It takes what it takes
Much of the ride
but now I have a piece of heaven.
As I said in my last post;
Don't quit before the miracle happens!