The Power of a Lie

I am amazed by how powerful the belief of a lie is.
Not a lie I tell, knowing it to be untrue
But, a lie I hear, or tell myself, that I accept as true.


The week before Christmas, I was at risk of taking my own life.
Why?
Because I wanted to die?
Not really.
I had created and believed a series of lies regarding my value and place in this world.
And at a time of extreme physical weakness, 
compounded by other stresses
those lies triggered emotions that signaled back to my brain the message:  I can't bear to exist anymore.


The power of a lie believed is that it enables you to forget what is true.
Truth, replaced by a lie, can be deadly.
Lies allowed to exist, without confronting them with truth
lead to emotions out of control, and a mind that forgets 
what is real and true
Which can lead to stupid and harmful words or actions.


I believe that knowing truth at a gut level, sets you free.
I don't mean intellectual knowledge . .  . 
(God is love, yeah, right, I know that)
(Sure, sure, I know I'm valuable and special, blah, blah, blah)


All it takes is a moment
Something clicks . . .and I "get it"!
And everything changes


Like my motto "Mind your own business"  (see last post)
I'd forgotten it
I've remembered again, and I feel so much lighter
I feel free and okay.
Unburdened.


They're just words.
But when they turn into revelation . . .
Into something you get at a gut level
Everything changes.


Truth is easily forgotten, if not kept in front of you.
I do best when I keep notes around 
Put things on my walls
Do something to remind me of whatever has been helpful


If a belief brings burden and despair
It's got a lie in it
Look for the truth


I believe that at the root of all truth, is love.
Truth is good.
Truth can hurt, but it's still good
Because it's real
Living in reality brings freedom


Lies are muddy, fuzzy, confusing
Poison
Truth cleanses, clarifies, is solid
And gives life.


Learn what is true
Remember what is true
And live

fractal from http://www.fractal-recursions.com

Apples and Oranges

Two friends walk together through the woods

One turns to his companion and says,

“I'm hungry.  Could I have an apple?”

The companion replies,

“I’m sorry.  I have no apples but I have some fresh oranges in my pack.”

Friend:  “But, I don’t want an orange, I want an apple!”

Companion:  “I have this beautiful, ripe, juicy orange.  Please enjoy it.”

Friend:  “No, I need an apple.  If you really cared about me, you’d give me an apple.”

The friend stomps off angry and hurt that his friend could be so unkind as to deny him the apple that he clearly needs.

The companion scratches his head in confusion as he enjoys a sweet, juicy orange.

?

Do I demand apples from someone who has a basket full of oranges?

Do I try to put my expectations onto others; 

limit what I deem acceptable?

Do I judge others by my definitions of what is loving, kind, correct, spiritual, intelligent, etc.?

Whatever I have, I was given

Abilities, strengths, weaknesses . . .

I live from what I’ve received

Give from what I was given

Same for us all

I've spent a lot of time in my life resenting and feeling hurt that I didn't receive what I thought I needed. 
I've judged people by my (arbitrary) standards.

The same's been done to me.  

What is true for you, may not always be true for me.

Where God has led me, may not be where he is leading you.


We walk side by side listening to the same voice.

I am free.

I am unbound.

I carry the weight of no man (or woman!)

Upon my shoulders,

Including the weight of Self
None of us owes an explanation to anyone but
 the One who lives within us (and he already knows).
(though, we will surely share our stories and help each other out,
 along the way)

There is One whose job it is to take care of this universe 

and everything in it.

It ain't me and it ain't you.

Isn't that a relief?
We can just be who we are and allow others to do the same.
No expectations.  No judgment.
Only sweet, beautiful, crazy life.

Letting Go

I'm realizing that most of what I need to let go of, 

I never had in the first place. 

 I've lived as if I have control over what happens in my life 

(I do have some control here, but far less than I've believed).

 I've repeatedly tried to control and change the behavior and attitudes of others (always a rewarding endeavor!) 

Even attempts to change myself have largely been unsuccessful.  

I love going to AA meetings; any kind of twelve step meetings. 

(I considered myself an alcoholic and addict for a time, 

but that's another story)

A group I spent some time with had an interesting "favorite" slogan:

"Mind your own business"

Every time I forget this one, I find myself in trouble.

I start thinking I can control things that aren't mine to control.

Most things in life aren't my business.

What someone else thinks about me, 

what anyone else thinks, in general . . . 

What someone else does or doesn't do . . .

Situations that come up in my life, or the lives of those I care about . . . 

Almost everything is either God's business or someone else's business.

So, the whole "Let go, and let God" thing really means you might as well let go of it in your head, because you never had it in the first place.

We make ourselves crazy; get irritated, angry, frustrated, resentful, fearful, etc. when things aren't as we think they should be.

What a waste of time and energy.

A simple example of how I applied this once.

I got up during the night for a drink of water and thought I heard a sound somewhere else in the house.

The next thing you know, my imagination is going crazy as I picture someone sneaking up behind me.  Usually when I do this, I keep telling myself there's nothing to it, but the emotion of fear stays with me 'til I'm safely back in bed. 

This time I thought, "Well, if there's some reason I'm supposed to be attacked by an intruder, then it's going to happen.
If I'm not supposed to be, it won't"

And just like that, I was totally at peace.
(seemed like a miracle at the time!)

It's about not arguing with reality.

It's about trusting that the way things are, 

is the way they're supposed to be.

If something is supposed to happen, it will. 
If it's not, it won't. 

And you're not the decider or the controller.

A good indicator that you've stepped out of your business is when you use words like "should" or "supposed to".

We do it to others.  We do it to ourselves.

Don't should on yourself or anyone else.

I choose to trust that I am in the hand of God.

I choose to trust that whatever happens in my life, 

things will be okay.

I choose to trust that everyone has their own connection with God, 
so it's not my job to control or judge anyone else's behavior.

It's especially not my job (or within my ability) 
to read another's mind, heart or intentions!

So

I am free

I am free to learn more about who I am;

who I can and want to be

Free to not fear what the future might hold

Free to let others do the same
Free to let others do the same!!!!

I don't have to fit myself into some ready made box, since I am being carried and led by the One who really knows what's going on.

I don't need to try to fit anyone else into a ready made box, either.

No shoulds.

I've been given lots of shoulds.

By people around me . . . books . . . TV . . . myself

There aren't shoulds

There's only what is

So, I'm talking about two different types of letting go.

One is the letting go of expectations of self and others.

The other is letting go of expectations and fears about all the things that can happen to and around you, now and in the future.  

I'm not talking about right or wrong.  

Different discussion.

 You can't should someone into doing the right thing (usually)

You can't should yourself into being a better person (usually)

That is the work of God and his spirit within

Me listening, agreeing and following him is my business. 

Worrying about my health and what might happen to me.

Not my business.
Taking care of my body as I'm able.
My business.

Doing the right thing when I see it.

Loving whenever and wherever possible.
Showing compassion and extending grace.

Me and God working together
Our business.

Everything else.  

I'd best let it go!


It takes a real load off to remind myself, "That's not my job."

fractal from http://www.enchgallery.com

And now we wait . . .

So, my little vial of blood is on it's way to Utah, where a special lab will determine how many CAG repeats my Huntingtin gene has.
(It's on the 4th chromosome)


It feels freeing, somehow, having done my part in the process of discovery.  The results may bring more feelings of freedom, or less.


In 2 or 3 weeks, I'll get the news.  
It seems that Arizona is a good place to be . . . lots of support people and programs for HD here.  Good to know.

fractal from:  www.enchgallery.com

Reminder of the day

In the hour of adversity be not without hope

For crystal rain falls from black clouds

Persian poem

We often think that the only possible outcomes 

are those that we can imagine.

In fact, some of the most wondrous events 

grow out of what appear to be disasters.

Today, know that even when your situation looks bleak, 

miracles can happen.

fractal from http://sprott.physics.wisc.edu/fractals/72683a16.gif

Genetic Testing (HD)

If you watch the TV show, “House” you may have heard of Huntington’s Disease.  I randomly turned on an episode of “Scrubs” the other day, and one of their patients was diagnosed with HD.

The Scrubs episode was interesting in that there was a not so subtle message that the son of the diseased woman was an idiot for deciding to not get tested.
Interesting.

There’s no one size fits all answer for the question, “to test, or not to test?”   Each situation is different.  Each disease or potential for disease is different.

Finding out you have a gene that might increase your odds of getting cancer would probably be considered different from discovering that you do have a disease and will become symptomatic.

The psychological impact can be immense. 

There are no easy answers.

There is no cure.

Some people get tested for HD because they’re already living in fear, 
so they might as well find out what the truth is.

Other people decide not to get tested, because they would rather continue in blissful ignorance until/if they start to notice symptoms.

I was in the second group, until recently.  
Since I am already prone to depression, I could easily see myself becoming more depressed and perhaps speed the onset of the disease, 
if I tested positive. 

I’ve now decided I want to know. 

I have also learned there are things I can do which could possibly delay or slow down the progression of symptoms.

It also makes sense that I could start preparing myself emotionally and psychologically now, when I’m stronger . . . 
That it could make things a little easier down the road, 
If I’ve had time to process and prepare. 

The thing to remember is that this is a deeply personal decision.  
Each person needs to determine their own needs, abilities, options, etc.  
No one can, or should, decide this for you.

About fear.  When I first thought (and knew in my gut) that my mom probably had HD, my fear was almost overwhelming.  I walked around in a dark cloud.  I’d watched my Grandpa die from HD, 
and it was not pleasant.

The thing is . . . once the diagnosis was made, I was okay.

Nothing earth shattering happened.  Nothing changed.

Mom was still Mom.

So, I see that one continues to live one day at a time.  Nothing will change, 
no matter what my diagnosis is.  I’ll just have more information.  
And I’ll continue to walk through this life and deal with challenges as they come . . . and there are many for us all, are there not?

The beauty is that there’s been a lot of research since Grandpa had it.  
I saw a quote, “This isn’t your father’s HD”

Things are different now.  We know more.

The suffering might not be as severe. 

I only know that today, I’m okay.

Today, I have what I need.

Tomorrow, I’ll meet with my genetic counselor and learn more.
Then I’ll give up some blood so they can find out what’s happening 
on my 4^th chromosome.

In a few weeks I’ll know. 

Someone asked if I’d feel guilty, if I don’t have it. 

I actually had thought about that.  
Why should I be a lucky one, when at least one sibling has it?  
It could be helpful to share this walk with another sibling 
(not that he wishes this upon me). 

All kinds of weird ideas get into your head.

Trust me, I’ll be extremely relieved if it comes out negative.  
(Although, now I’m reading that there’s a grey area, 
where you might have it or not.  Ugh.)

Well, I’ll know more tomorrow.  And more yet in a few weeks.

If you're interested in learning more about HD, here are a couple sites.  
The first does some good explaining, but gets the name of the gene wrong.  
It is the Huntingtin gene (which everyone has, by the way)

http://hopes.stanford.edu/n3581/hd-basics/hd-nutshell/basics-huntingtons-disease-text-and-audio

http://www.hdlighthouse.org/index.shtml

 fractal from www.enchgallery.com

Eternity

I swim in the seas of eternity

Gentle waves caress my cheeks

Golden sunshine glows through closed eyelids

Smiles tickle my lips

Head thrown back

Grinning

Joy and laughter burst

From belly to throat

Pouring out my mouth

Soaring through the air

Carried by the wind

To join the chortles and cries

Of birds aloft

Eyes wide open

Eyes wide open

I am carried

There is no beginning

There is no end

All is beauty

All is full

All is good

Complete

I don’t know what tomorrow brings

I don’t need to know

I can smile here

Always

I dwell here

Safe

Always

Eternity flows through our veins

Swirls and furls around and through us

Always

I am

Always

Fractal from www.enchgallery.com