Monday, January 31, 2011


Lies believed lead to death
Lies believed confuse and thwart true desires
Lies believed give substance to emptiness
Lies believed lead away from sanity; away from what is true and real

Sometimes our lies taste sweet
Sugar coated death
Other times the lies are clearly dark
But appear so solid, we listen and follow

I was born to love
I was born to make people smile
To lessen people’s burdens
My middle name ain’t Joy for nothin'!

Some time ago
I realized I was trying to disappear myself
Emotionally, psychologically, energetically
Attempting to withdraw from this world; from this body
I didn’t feel I belonged here

I am reminded that I do belong
I've let myself become solid again
Solid feet on solid ground
Yes, yes!  
I’m just a human being like everybody else
No different
No more or no less worthy
Of breathing this air
Treading this soil

More recently I forgot again
Words of despair and hopelessness
Whispered to my soul

I stood
Surrounded by people
Body weak
Heart and soul exhausted
Aware of my emptiness
Bereft of any warmth or goodness to share

I can no longer exist in this form
I cannot survive being who I am
I cannot tolerate my existence
Empty and dead
Like a dry leaf that crumbles in your hand
Nothing.  Absolutely nothing to give.

As I curled around myself
On the floor
It was as if I leaned into a room
A room of forgetting
A spacious room of freedom
Where I didn’t remember that I wanted to live
Where I could see the way to escape my pain.
My aloneness.  
My uselessness.
Could all just melt away.

I’d never been to that room before.
This was different.
This was real.
I knew it could be real.
I could disappear myself
If I swallowed enough pills . . . 
I leaned back out of the room
Knowing it would be waiting for me
An easy threshold to cross

I didn’t know what to do
So, I told people who love me
Family and friends, they rescued me
Helped me to a place of safety

Thank you
Thank you
Thank you!

Once you’ve been somewhere
Once you’ve opened the door
It’s easier to return

I think remembering is one of the most important things we need to practice.
Remembering what is true.
Remembering all that is good and beautiful
Remembering that even when all you see and feel
Is pain and darkness . . .

Love is always there. 

There is always someone who cares. 
Even strangers, I discovered, cared about me.

All it takes is a whisper
All it takes is the feeble lifting of a finger to get someone’s attention
A call.  An email. 
Sometimes we’re strong and are there for others
Sometimes we’re weak and others are strong for us

It’s so crazy, so insane 
To think one’s life not worthy of being lived
We are walking miracles!
Our bodies are incredible (if we really knew how it all worked we’d be in constant awe) machines!
Our minds, our thoughts, our feelings, our creativity . . .
All that makes us human
Is just spectacular

What was I thinking? 
I wasn’t.  Not really.
I wasn’t listening to the wisdom within me
That knows my value
Not because of what I can do or how I look
My miraculous existence makes me valuable.

And if you forget,
Ask someone to remind you

fractal from