Saturday, March 12, 2011

My Longer Life (HD)

Each day that goes by, I realize how much I had adjusted my expectations; assuming I had Huntington's Disease.  The test results are slowly sinking in. It's a bit like when someone dies . . .  you go through your day, think of something you want to tell them, and realize you can't anymore.  You gradually reprogram your brain to the new reality.

This feels similar, only in reverse.  
I used to expect to live into my 90s, like many in my family.  
Recently, I'd let go of that, and found myself expecting, 
or hoping for, a much earlier death. 
I'm now returning to the picture of myself as an elderly woman 
(way in the future!)

Every day I catch myself remembering 
that what I feared, will not be.
When I lose my balance.  When I forget something (again!).  
When I bounce against the wall.  
Difficulty swallowing . . . 
Even my chronic fatigue.  

There's no scary meaning to assign . . . 
no unanswered question hovering in my mind.
(Not that I don't still hope to recover from the fatigue and weakness.)
No fear.

Though, I did my best to not anticipate the results, I apparently had more fears or expectations than I realized.  I was already shaping my thoughts and visions of the future.

The mind . . . it's so sneaky.  It picks up on little cues, apparently coming up with it's own theories, leaving me none the wiser 
(at least not on my most conscious level).
Self sabotaging silliness.  
How do you beat it?   

This same phenomenon can show up in any area of life, 
though health issues are especially prone.

Heightened awareness . . . meditation . . . 
practicing letting go . . . 
are helpful . . . 

Then there's the knowledge that others in my family 
have not been so "lucky".  
I celebrate my test results even as I am 
aware of present or future suffering, of those I love.
No rhyme or reason to it.  
HD strikes where it will.

All part of anticipating a future that cannot be known.  
For now, I rest in the knowledge that one life path will not be mine.  
Other than that, I know no more than anyone else. 
Nothing has changed, yet I feel more free. 
The mind is a powerful thing.