Too Full

Once, years ago, when I had filled my body with drugs

Trying to escape the emotional pain I felt.

Love spoke to me, saying,

“There’s no room.”

I knew it meant I was leaving no room for Love,

because I filled every space I could with something:

Drugs . . . sex . . . food . . . anything . . .

In order to avoid my feelings.

I was begging for help

As I tried to fix myself:

Trying to mask my emptiness
With colorful bandaids. 

I had to be emptied out

Cleansed.

It felt like a spiritual abortion

Expelling the corpse of my

Fruitless attempts at self-salvation.

There had to be death

Before true life could grow and flourish

My security blankets;

Everything I turn to

In order to avoid stress or discomfort

Are temporary fixes that

Crowd the space 

Love’s spirit desires to fill

I’ve done all I know to do

To help my body heal

I’ve done all I know to do

To help my soul heal; to fix my life.

In the midst of all my frantic thrashing about,

Love finds ways to

Reach through with a gift

Of love, or knowledge . . .

A friend who comforts and guides . . . 

Something that carries me through. 

Love steps in and stops my plans

So better plans can be put into place

The more I let go . . .

When I leave my “wisdom” by the roadside . . .

And stop listening to fear . . . 

True life and true wisdom

Can direct my paths

Death hurts

It smells bad

One can’t see the life that’s coming

While sitting within what is dying

A seed rots and dies

Before springing into life.

We must be brought to the end of self

Where there’s nothing but air

Nothing to hold onto

Then we can fall . . .

Oh, how we fight reaching the edge of that cliff

How we cling to the death that we know

And, what a joy to discover

That you don’t fall down at the end of yourself

You fall up

Into the loving arms

Of Love from which we've all come

The pain that purges

The flame that purifies

Are gifts I fight, hate and detest

Even as I embrace with thanksgiving

What they bring

Whatever comes

My heart of hearts

Is to be cleared of all

that is not from my Love

My little toys sparkle and shine for a time

But my true Love fills and shines forever

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