Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Too Full

Three or four times in my life
I believe I've received a clear word
From God

It happened once when I had filled my body with drugs
Trying to escape the emotional pain I felt.
I heard, (from Love)
“There’s no room.”

I knew it meant I was leaving no room for Love,
because I filled every space I could with something:
Drugs . . . sex . . . food . . . anything . . .
In order to avoid my feelings.

I was begging for help
As I tried to fix myself:
Trying to mask my emptiness
With colorful bandaids. 

I had to be emptied out
It felt like a spiritual abortion
Expelling the corpse of my
Fruitless attempts at self-salvation.

There had to be death
Before true life could grow and flourish

My security blankets;
Everything I turn to
In order to avoid stress or discomfort
Are temporary fixes that
Crowd the space 
God’s spirit desires to fill

I’ve done all I know to do
To help my body heal
I’ve done all I know to do
To help my soul heal; to fix my life.

In the midst of all my frantic thrashing about,
God finds ways to
Reach through with a gift
Of love, or knowledge . . .
A friend who comforts and guides . . . 
Something that carries me through. 

He steps in and stops my plans
So better plans can be put into place

The more I let go . . .
When I leave my “wisdom” by the roadside . . .
And stop listening to fear . . . 
True life and true wisdom
Can direct my paths

Death hurts
It smells bad
One can’t see the life that’s coming
While sitting within what is dying
A seed rots and dies
Before springing into life.

We must be brought to the end of Self
Where there’s nothing but air
Nothing to hold onto

Then we can fall . . .

Oh, how we fight reaching the edge of that cliff
Oh, how we cling to the death that we know
Oh, what a joy to discover
That you don’t fall down at the end of yourself
You fall up

Into the loving arms
Of He who made us

The pain that purges
The flame that purifies
Are gifts I fight
Even as I embrace with thanksgiving
What they bring

Whatever comes
My heart of hearts
Is to be cleared of all
that is not from my Love
My little toys sparkle and shine for a time
But my true Love fills and shines forever