I'm looking more closely at the decision to get tested for Huntington's.
I hadn't gotten tested before now because I figured I'd just end up making myself sicker by anticipating symptoms (if I tested positive).
The mind is a powerful thing.
More recently I figured that since I was already at some form of "bottom" (being suicidal and all), I might as well get the whole story and find out if HD is playing a part in any of my depression or fatigue.
Apparently, it can initially present in any number of ways.
Plus, I'm well medicated right now, have a good support system, the boys are nearing the time when they might want to have children of their own . . .
But, if I test positive . . .
Well, I'm feeling a bit scared to death right now.
But, I also am seeing/being reminded that a person lives life one day at a time.
And God gives you grace to get through each day.
Having spent much of my life dealing with depression, I'm thinking this will goad me into focusing more on learning tools to help me deal with it. Two other lovely symptoms of HD are irritability and anger . . . just lashing out for no good reason, as the result of a malfunction of the brain. Nice.
So, how much could I learn in order to respond better if this occurred?
But, I'm being previous on all this! I don't even know if I have it!
And, if I do have it, the symptoms might not start for years or decades.
(Ah, what a perfect opportunity to learn to live one day at a time!)
But . . . it makes sense to prepare for the worst . . . be at least somewhat prepared to deal with whatever news comes.
And continue to learn to live in the moment. Not take life so seriously. Not give meanings and weight to everything.
I don't see myself changing my mind about getting tested. I've decided I want to know.
I was told that only 15 - 25% of people with HD in their family get tested.
Really? (some other study said only 5%)
So, am I crazy? Masochistic?
It's not as if no one else in this whole wide world has had to deal with difficult health problems and decisions. Many, many people do so every day. I'm just one of many.
I am feeling very self focused in all this, which I guess makes sense, but I still feel like I "shouldn't". Guess it's just that self-loathing that wants to show its head every so often.
I've been working on another post about letting go . . . acceptance . . . surrender and all that. Which is really what this is all about. Trusting that all is as it should be. Trusting that I will have what I need whatever each new day brings.
I guess there's not much to comment on, but if you think of any words of wisdom, feel free to share.